happiness

i've lost count of how many dates/hang out sessions it's been now.  but i called it when i said "this could be the start of something"

what it will end up being, i couldn't tell you..

but what it's working towards right now, i'm completely content with.

and it's been a long time since i felt that way.  i sorta missed contentment.

i've known it was coming

      for years, i've been trying to prepare myself for the day that she would ask.  today, i discovered that you can never actually be ready.  no matter how much you think about it, you're never ready for it.  

      as i was tying the laces of her tiny pink chuck taylors, avery looked up at me and said "i don't have a daddy."  as matter of factly as could be.  she might as well have kicked the skates out from under me.  i sorta sputtered "wha-what?" and she repeated it.  "of course, you have a daddy, avery. why would you say that?" i told her firmly as i helped her stand up and began to part her hair for pigtails.  i watched her blue eyes, his blue eyes, widen in the mirror, "i do? is he dead?" she whispered.  "no, he's not dead," i retorted, startled, "he's not here... he's... sick. he's had to go away for awhile because he's sick."  that was true enough.  the last time that i saw him, the addiction was nearly killing him and that was a year and a half ago.  in all her three-year-old innocence, avery asked "did he throwed up?"  i thought for a moment before answering "yes, i would imagine he does throw up from time to time."  she asked "does the doctor give him a shot?"  i replied "i think the doctors may have to give him a shot upon occasion.  you know, avery, you're really a very lucky little girl. you have so many people in your life that love you.  you have mommy and allie and grandmommy, poppa, pops, aunt toni, uncle brian, garrett, uncle tj..." i started to trail off as avery named a few more members of our family and started listing friends, "and aaron and kent, and becca and aunt mandy, and owibia [olivia], and 'nessa,  and kent!" it didn't escape me that she mentioned her friend twice and i smiled.  "that's right, avery mac.  you have all of those people that love you so much!  aren't you a lucky girl?!"  but my attempt at redirection was a dismal failure.  avery questioned "do you think my daddy loves his baby girl?"  i was quiet before i answered, because i didn't want avery to see the tears streaming down my face now.  "avery, i think your daddy loves his baby girl very, very much."  she asked "and he'd be so proud of me becase i pee-peed in the potty?"  we're still very much praising a dry morning bed around here. "i think he'd be very proud about that."  avery hesitated before she asked "can i see my daddy?"  i think i can literally feel my heart tearing out of my chest.  "not right now, baby girl. not while he's sick."  "but i miss him."  there's no possible way she can remember him. he hasn't tried to contact her since somewhere around her second birthday - she'll be four in a few months.  but i would imagine she misses very much the abstract concept of having a father. "i know you do, sweet girl."  at this point, i feel like i have answered her questions the best i'm gonna be able to and anything else i say is going to  just make things worse, i've fulfilled my immediate duties as mother, and i have to change the subject before i fall apart and freak her out.  "now, listen, avery mac.  grandmommy will pick you up from school today and take you and allie to church tonight.  then mommy will come and get you, ok?"  avery nodded and asked "and then can i go play at my daddy's house?"  i tried to be nonchalant, as if allie had asked to go to will's "not tonight, baby."  she took it in stride, becoming distracted by a bug on the outside of the car window.  she is only 3, after all.    we heard "my daddy" repeatedly this evening.  apparently, this was just the opening of the can of worms, they're now going to spill out across my desktop.          super. 

     no matter what foolish, selfish mistakes i've made in my past, she doesn't deserve this.  and i'm too tired to sort out whether to feel angry or sad or just defeated..

date #2: this could be the start of something

     saturday, hotshot took me to a small theatre play that some friends of his were in.  a two-act comedy in british accents that was quite hilarious...   after a bite to eat, we went back to my place and listened to music and talked.  until 10 o'clock sunday morning.  he made the point during the evening that it was probably a good thing our schedules are so opposite.  i said "oh, really?"  hotshot kinda ruffled my hair and said "yeah.  i could do this everyday."   well.  not really much i can say to that, huh? :) 

  when he was leaving, on my front porch, he asked "when can i see you again?"

it took just about every ounce of restraint i've got to keep from saying "what are you doing in 3 hours?" 

     we are, however, venturing out on date 3 this weekend.  and i've had this idiot-grin on my face for the last two days.     this could be the start of something.... 

sometimes i really don't know anything at all

but at least, at this point in my life, i've grown smart enough to surround myself with friends who are smarter than me. 

i'm humbled that they see fit to keep me in their lives, gracious enough to continue to see me through every new disaster. even if all i need is a song and reality check. 

check this out:

   90in90

at least he's somewhere he can't get to us... not that he's tried real hard..

i walked out of the movie theater and said good-bye to my friends.  i started the car and waiting for the engine to warm, picked up my cell to check for messages.  fourteen?! what on earth? i punch the button for voicemail and start to listen.  every message is the same, though each voice is different...  "did you see the six o'clock news?" "angie, you need to turn on news channel 5."  "GIRL. have you seen this?" finally, one with some info: "hey, girl, it's mary. i just saw the news and i thought if you'd seen it, you might need someone to talk to. and if not, you might need to know. apparently, jon's been arrested for fraud and some sort of larceny at the car lot.  check out channel 4 news and call me."  well, f*@%.  not that i care a whit that he's incarcerated.  but this just adds to the nonsense that i don't need.  how could i have been snowed for so long by him?  and why, oh why, did i let him talk me into giving avery his last name?

sometimes i honestly think i wish ..... [edited. a friend, wiser than i, pointed out things i needed to consider about posting. -2/24/09]

how much pain?

   how much grief, sorrow, sadness and pain can one family be expected to endure?  a couple of years ago, the middle son of this particular family was discharged from the military after loosing a leg during the conflict in iraq.  this past friday night, another child from the same family had her life stolen by a drunk driver.  24-years-old and an absolutely doting mother of two very young children who have spent the last five days in the ICU recovering from the same accident.  two small children with an absent father who have now lost their mommy and will be raised by their grandparents.  wonderful people, leave no doubt, but this incomprehensible tragedy will leave them shaken, missing something from the core of their beings that can never be replaced.  

    it's absolutely heart-wrenching, nearly unbearable for those of us on the fringes.  i can't imagine the numb, aching emptiness that must be encompassing those at the center of this family.  

  it makes you feel so very helpless when you have to acknowledge that there is nothing, nothing,  that you can say or do to help.  nothing will ever make things ok for them again.  this is just too much to bear.

new day, new date - not a valentine anything

 so, i had this date last Saturday night.  i know what you're thinking - "ooh, a Valentine's Day date."  but that wasn't it. it was just a date.  a first date, as a matter of fact.  There was this couple sitting behind where we were standing for the show at Mercy Lounge, so we engaged in conversation with them several times throughout the evening.  The girl was effusively bubbly about celebrating what she called her "best Valentine's yet!"  giddy, yet cute. something sweet about the way they chimed "8 months and 3 days" in unison.  

i just didn't think about Valentine's day that much this year.  i guess, if you're not in a relationship, Valentine's Day is kinda like Hanukkah if you're a Christian. or at least, it should be.  I don't understand why single folks tend to get all upset about VD..  i don't even know when Hanukkah is, b/c i don't celebrate it.  it comes, it goes, it passes, it doesn't effect me. so, if i'm single, i don't celebrate valentine's day.  it comes, it goes, it passes.  doesn't effect me. 

but i digress... back to the date.  we've had drinks/appetizers at the Flying Saucer and are at Mercy for the sold-out Dr.Dog show.  it's full and becoming more packed by the minute.  during the second opening band, i had to come out of my heels. those suckers were way more uncomfortable than i remember them being... anyway, i noticed later that Date (we'll call him "hotshot") moved toward me in kind-of an odd way every time someone squeezed past us.  then i realized - he was manuevering his foot in front of my bare toes so that no one would step on my feet! 

afterward, we got some food with my very dear and lovely friend Sarah and her new guy.  everyone was charming and funny and we had a great time..  

when we get back to my place, hotshot says "i had a good time, we should do it again."  so, i'm left to decipher the boy-speak.  does this actually mean "i had a good time, we should do it again" or is this just polite? is this boy-code for "yeeeaahhhh... you probably won't be hearing from me again anytime soon"?  

except.   sunday afternoon, i got the following text message:  "I had a great time w/ u last night, sorry it was so late.  I hope you got some sleep.  Is it too soon to ask you out again?"  

Boy-speak: DECODED!